1. Please don’t talk down to me just because you know everything about everything. Just because I am not a Level 110 in Warcraft does not mean I am complete moron — I just don’t spend my entire day making love to a computer screen. If I’m “arguing” with you, it’s only because I want to know how this works so that it doesn’t happen again. I likely have gotten bad information in the past, which is why I am positive that I’m right about you being wrong. Be patient with me, and explain things in terms that I can understand.

2. Starting a conversation by not indulging me in a little self-depreciation is a quick way for me to insult your libido and backne as soon as I get off the phone. And trust me, the people in my department are a lot cooler than you are — we can walk in the sun without cringing, we have leg muscles AND arm muscles, our hair can be properly combed, and we know not to wear a tie with a short-sleeve shirt. So unless you want to look like a total asshat as soon as I hang-up, learn some office diplomacy and give me a chance to submit myself before your thrown of technical supremacy. You never know when you’re going to need someone to change your flat tire.

3. If I’m lying to you about a mistake I made, it’s only because I was doing something I know I shouldn’t have been doing. Join the real world and realize when we peons have to cut each other some slack and just cover for each other, instead of giving me the Spanish inquisition when I fib a little. If, as you say, you can monitor everything I do, have done, and will do, then why don’t you pull up your super-secret-monitoring-file of what I just did? I’ve been threatened so many times with key-loggers and e-mail records, I would think you’d just be able to read a list of the mouse-clicks I just made and tell me how to reverse this.

4. Even if I did something wrong, I still need a scapegoat. Technology makes me feel like a moron, and the fact that you’re sitting here telling me that I just lost two weeks worth of work because I pushed the wrong button isn’t helping anything. Please don’t act like an insensitive jerk when I don’t know how to respond. As far as I’m aware, everything can be fixed, and everything can be recovered. Don’t you guys make backups?

5. I don’t care whether YOU think it’s urgent or not. Did you grow up in a bean-pod? Or have you just never worked at a Wendy’s or something? Do you not have any idea what customer service is? Even if it’s not urgent to you, at least make me THINK it’s urgent. And by being a vindictive little howler monkey and ignoring my shit, you’re just making me more angry.

6. Are you the only one who works in IT? Tell your manager it’s time to hire more people, because you’re too busy juggling dragons to get all of the support tickets done.

7. Ignoring my e-mails all day long is not only unnecessary, it’s highly annoying. Just because you can get away with playing the games I’m not allowed to install on my desktop doesn’t mean that I have found a way to pass the time without my boss knowing, or caring. If you’re not fixing my shit, then I’m sitting here wasting time with a middle-manager breathing down my back for something to get done. My problem doesn’t go away until you fix it, and if you don’t respond in any kind of way to tell me what I should expect, then I can only assume that you’ve either accidentally deleted the e-mail, it got caught in your junk box, or you’re ignoring me. Throw me a bone and e-mail me back promptly to tell me you’ve received my e-mail, and are looking into it. Then follow up with me on a regular basis, regardless of whether you have something “useful” to tell me or not. This is the same thing I do with customers who are waiting to hear where their money/documents/whatever went. Show me some courtesy.

8. I prefer the phone over e-mail, because I know that you can avoid e-mail and act like you’re busy when the floodgates open. With the phone, at least I have your attention. And despite what you may think, you’re neither an English scholar, nor professor — your e-mails are always cryptic and hard-to-follow. I don’t like trying to follow your instructions, because I have no idea how to open half the panels you’re asking me to. I have no idea how to get to the “Control Panel” because I’m not a mage and I don’t possess the Ring of Geekyness. Welcome to the real world — only dorks like you use e-mail. The rest of us use the phone because we can get things done in five minutes, instead of fifty minutes and five e-mails.

9. You may not care that you have no manners, but that’s only because down in your fortress of solitude, you and your arrogant ego don’t need them. But for the rest of us that live in the cubicle reality, we try not to piss each other off just for the sake of it. Just because we’re adults doesn’t mean a few kind words don’t go a long way. And just because it doesn’t make a difference to you that I made a mistake, doesn’t mean that my boss isn’t listening in to this phone call, or reading my e-mail, to find out how big of a screwup I am. I am going to take it personal, especially when you’re being passive-aggressive about telling me what a stupid mistake I just made. Trust me — the contempt your stroking goes both ways.

10. Don’t lie. I know you saw me chatting up Lisa in accounting, and you’re sitting down there stoking your “rage” (hah!) and finding a way to seek vengeance. If you’d ditch the clip-on and help me out now and then, maybe I’d show you how to talk to a girl without drooling or casting a double-roundhouse-rogue-hex to impress her.